Speaking of Family Videos...

My husband interviews my children formally on the first Sunday of every month. Occasionally like last Sunday during interviews, he turns the video camera on and taped their answers to his questions. My two-year old was so serious as he shared his thoughts. I love it! I enjoy their thoughtful answers and see how important they feel to be the star of the show. I find that as I have more children, I forget to record as much as I did when I only had one or two so I'm so grateful to my husband for capturing their different stages of growth and development. Thanks sweetheart!

Favorite Pastime

On Sundays after church and dinner we love to watch videos of the kids when they were younger. Last night we spent hours watching our oldest as a baby and toddler. It was fun for her to see that she got A LOT of attention when she was a baby and it was fun for her siblings to say how cute she was, something she usually says about the others.

All the children feel important and like they are a part of something great. The videos help reinforce special family memories, make us feel more united as a family, and remind us of family members who have passed away. So don't wait until they are grown and gone to break out the old home videos!

Traveling Tip

I would like to share a quick tip that has contributed to keeping me sane on long trips. My good friend Eliza heard it from a friend and I'm glad she shared with me!

The friend of my friend : ) suggested when packing to put each child's outfit with underwear and socks for each day in a gallon-sized Ziploc. So I got my recently purchased gallon-sized Ziplocs from Costco and used probably 25-30 bags to pack all my little people for a week.

I store these bags in our suitcases so they will be ready for the next trip. This is a great way to keep track of socks and underwear (they seem to disappear for some reason!). This system also helps keep our suitcases tidy when traveling. For some reason without Ziplocs, I can never find what I need! Also no matter how neatly I pack as soon as someone looks for one thing the whole suitcase looks like a tornado hit.

Each night I have the kids put their clothes in the Ziploc with their jammies and I put those clothes in a separate bag so I can easily do laundry if available. I didn't over pack either because I put just enough clothes in for how many days we'll be gone (formally I would forget what I had put in the suitcase and just start stuffing it with extra clothes just in case).

Thanks to this tip traveling with all my peeps has become DREAMY!

Food for Thought

"My experience has been that there are times to teach and times not to teach. When relationships are strained and the air charged with emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and rejection. But to take the child alone, quietly, when the relationship is good and to discuss the teaching or the value seems to have much greater impact."

--Steven R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Building Relationships

I am currently reading Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. I recommend this book to everyone! Greg Mortenson is one ordinary guy that is changing the world. Here is an excerpt from the back cover:

"In 1993 a mountaineer named Greg Mortenson drifted into an impoverished Pakistan village in the Karakoram mountains after a failed attempt to climb K2. Moved by the inhabitants' kindness, he promised to return and build a school. Three Cups of Tea is the story of that promise and its extraordinary outcome. Over the next decade Mortenson built not just one but fifty-five schools--especially for girls--in the forbidding terrain that gave birth to the Taliban. His story is at once a riveting adventure and a testament to the power of the humanitarian spirit."

The whole book has been inspiring and yet another testimony to me that we all have a special mission here on this earth and God will help us to fulfill that mission. One of the most significant parts of the book is during the construction of the first school. He is so uptight that construction goes according to plan that he is standing over the workers and checking every detail being, in short, rather annoying to the villagers. His mentor and village leader, Haji Ali, takes him aside and says:

"If you want to thrive in Baltistan, you must respect our ways. The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger. The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family, and for our family, we are prepared to do anything, even die," he said, laying his band warmly on Morenson's own. "Doctor Greg, you must make time to share three cups of tea..."

Mortensens says, "Haji Ali taught me the most important lesson I've ever learned in my life. We Americans think you have to accomplish everything quickly...Haji Ali taught me to share three cups of tea, to slow down and make building relationships as important as building projects. He taught me that I had more to learn from the people I work with than I could ever hope to teach them."

As we begin home education (I like that better than home schooling ; ) again this week, I am once again struggling to slow down and connect with my children. I am trying to find the balance between what I envision "has to be done" with making them not the task the most important thing.

What has help to shift your paradigms? How do you focus on relationships in your home? Any feedback will be like manna...

Teasing

I had had ENOUGH!!! I felt like I've tried EVERYTHING I had ever heard of to help my son to STOP teasing. Desperately, I said a silent prayer as I once again sat my son down for a talk to somehow help him make better choices. I reminded myself and him how this was really just temporary and that I saw a glimpse of the son I know when he complimented his sister earlier that morning (literally the ONE nice thing he did that day!). Something HAD to change but HOW?

In answer to my prayer, I saw a picture of a hiker climbing a mountain flash into my mind. We talked about how we hiked the "Y" on the mountain behind Brigham Young University as a family. It's a pretty steep climb but he was able to make it to the top. I told him that changing a bad habit is like climbing a steep mountain. We decided we would make our own mountain and hiker to help my son overcome his bad habit of teasing and being unkind to his siblings.

We decided together that if he slips and makes a poor choice, his hiker will slip too. Immediately, my son named his hiker Adam because he said, "He is a son of God." He went on to explain that Adam represents him.

We've had a whole morning without teasing or fighting!!! That may not seem like a very long time to you but it is truly an accomplishment that we celebrated with a couple of steps up the mountain ; ) Now my daughter wants one...she's trying to think of something she needs to improve. I'll post a picture of it when our hiker reaches the top!

CraziBeautiful

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Quote for the Day

"The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship."

Love of Learning

I attended the next class at Classic Books & Gifts with Victoria Hatch about the Love of Learning Phase. I now have a new positive affirmation (or an old one reborn ; )...

I AM a FUN mom!

Mostly the class was a great review for me but I thought I would share some of the golden nuggets I took home with me. Probably the most important one was that I felt liberated from the idea that I have to drill knowledge into my children. I can stop being scared that they won't learn academic skills. If I can give them a solid Core and Love of Learning Phase, I am giving them a strong foundation that will act as a spring board to future academic learning. Victoria shared wonderful examples of "playing" school and I walked away with an excitement to learn and play WITH my children.

Another topic I have a new perspective on is the binder and the compass. Victoria explained that she allows her children to decorate their own binder and then supplies them with page protectors so they can display their work. For projects that don't fit in page protectors, someone suggested taking pictures and displaying them in a scrapbook-like fashion in their binders.

The compass is a tool children can add to their binders to help them remember what things they want to learn. I interviewed my kids last year and asked their interests but simply putting that list in their binders will empower them to make great choices with their time.

With this paradigm shift, I feel mentally prepared to offer my children quality Core and Love of Learning phases.

Unconditional Parenting, Part II

I FINALLY finished Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn and I thought I would share some of "the good stuff".

I must begin by saying I'm not sure this book makes my classics list. I really appreciate his opening my eyes that parenting is not as cut and dry as my former positive reinforcement books have led me to believe. I also appreciate his reasoning for the most part about why that isn't so. He gives very helpful general tips and guidelines on how to develop caring and lasting relationship with our children.

Something is bothering me though. I feel like his sarcastic tone somewhat undermines his objective of helping parents become unconditional. Also I'm not sure I buy into some of the analogies he uses to support his claims.

Nevertheless, I will let you decide for yourselves. Here are some golden nuggets I took away from this book:

Unconditional Parenting Guidelines

1. Be reflective. (Don't just react.)


2. Reconsider your requests.


3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals. (That is you want to raise caring, independent adults.)


4. Put the relationship first.


5. Change how you see, not just how you act. (Try to see things from a child's perspective.)


6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Talk to them the way you would like to be spoken to.)


7. Be authentic.


8. Talk less, ask more.


9. Keep their ages in mind.


10. Attribuite to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.


11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.


12. Don't be rigid.


13. Don't be in a hurry.

This one was a real eye-opener for me:

Ask yourself, What is your mood like when you are with your kids?

What to Minimize

• Limit the number of your criticisms.


• Limit the scope of each criticism. (Like "The way you spoke to your sister just now sounded unkind" instead of "You are so mean to people!")


• Limit the intensity of each criticism.


• Look for alternatives to criticism.

**Your goal is not to make them feel bad or stamp bad behavior out of exsistence. "Rather, what we want is to influence the way they think and feel, to help them become the kind of people who wouldn't want to act cruelly."

**Never hold a grudge--Be the PARENT!!

**Reassure them of your love frequently especially during conflict.

**Remind them this behavior is temporary and out of character; it doesn't reflect the child you know and love.

Hope that is helpful! I know I have had a major paradigm shift and I have really been enjoying my children. Go give yours a hug!!

Sunday Dress

After being late for church a couple of times and feeling rushed and irritable, I had to change! I went to my friend Becca's and saw her children getting their own Sunday clothes out on Saturday. I used to get them out myself when we went to church at 8 AM in Arizona but I loved the idea of them doing it.

So now my kids get all their Sunday clothes out including shoes, socks, ties, belt, even hair bows out as part of their Saturday chores. Also instead of frantically ironing all the boys' shirts, girls' dresses, etc. late Saturday, with the help of my new chore chart, I iron (and pretty soon I'll teach the kids!) during the week so that everything is ready on Saturday.

This morning my son remarked, "I love getting my suit coat out on Saturday because I really like it. When I see it in the morning I feel inspired to get dressed and ready for church!" He even used the right words ; ) Instead of feeling frustrated and grumpy at church, I enjoy my children and feel the peace I'm suppose to in the house of the Lord.

Meaningful Mealtimes

Gathering for meals as a family as often as possible can strengthen family relationships thereby ensuring the ideal climate for inspiring children to greatness! By connecting the pleasant experience of filling your empty stomach with communicating with those you love, you can nurture your children physically as well as emotionally. A couple of friends shared these great mealtime ideas in church this Sunday:

• Becca B. said to have each child share the best, worst and funniest thing that happened to them that day. This not only helps you know what's going on in their lives but provides an effective exercise in helping them to identify feelings and communicate them in a safe environment.
• Eliza K. started a fun tradition that she occasionally does at meal times. She cut out large different colored hearts from card stock and laminated them. She catches her kids doing kind things and writes them with dry erase markers on the hearts. She places the hearts face down on the table next to each child's plate. Immediately following prayer the kids reach for the hearts instead of the food excited to see what their heart says!
• Another idea from Eliza is the "Family Preservation Jar". A variety of get-to-know-you-better questions fill the jar and each family member alternately share their thoughts pertaining to each inquiry. Your family will end up sharing their thoughts on a wide range of topics.
• Angela A. had a super fun idea too! In their family they play True or False. Each member takes turn sharing something about their day and then everyone decides if it is "true or false". If they have nothing interesting to tell they can use their imaginations and make something fun up.

Have fun getting to know your family better with these fun ideas. Please share what you do to make mealtimes more meaningful!

Kindness

I have been concerned as I observe how my children interact with each other and with their friends lately. So for our morning devotional yesterday we sang "Kindness Begins With Me" and then we read "Friendship Bracelets". It's a great story about a little girl who learns to be kind and love her friend even when her friend was being unkind to her. We discussed the article and then we made friendship bracelets from embrodiery floss. I just braided the floss for the little ones while they held it and I'm teaching the older ones how to make their own friendship bracelets. This link leads to a site that has pretty detailed instructions and I figured it out in about 15 minutes...but I like that kind of stuff : ) We talked about how the bracelet can serve as a reminder to be kind to everyone and to be the kind of friend you would like to have. Later in the day, I was able to gently refer to what the bracelet signified to help them make better choices and it was effective. The devotional helped to remind me about "You, Not Them" and how I need to remember that "Kindness Begins With Me"!

Unconditional Parenting

I think I have been stunned into silence (hence my lack of posting). I have slowly been reading (along with 2 other books ; ) Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn and in short it has rocked my parental world. Previously I have been all about positive reinforcement in the form of praise and rewards. I have been known to bribe and threaten when desperate but I tried to stay on the positive side when interacting with my children. Kohn basically says that method of parenting is "conditional" and teaches my children that I only love them when they do what I want them to do.

He asks hard questions like "Are my everyday practices likely to help my children grow into the kind of people I'd like them to be?" I would like my children to be confident, self-starters who are motivated intrinsically to help and be kind to others. So are my everyday practices in line with this vision? Or will I wake up one day to this description quoted in Kohn's book by author Barabara Coloroso? She often hears parents of teenagers complain, "He was such a good kid, so well behaved, so well mannered, so well dressed. Now look at him!" To this, she replies:

"From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him, to dress; he acted the way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He's been listening to somebody else tell him what to do...He hasn't changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn't you anymore; it's his peers." (p.7)

Yuck!! If you are not convinced praising a child can cause them to feel conditionally loved I invite you to read this book. It is an eye-opener! Unfortunately I am still in the chapters where he tells me all that I'm doing wrong and I haven't gotten to Chapter 7: "Principles of Unconditional Parenting" where he will tell me what to do.

I do know he suggests helping the child identify how he or another person may feel as a result of his actions. For example, this morning instead of praising my children for the great job they did cleaning their rooms, I asked them how they felt to have a clean room. We talked about how nice it smelled, how clean it felt and how enjoyable it will be to read and sleep in there.

I know some of you have read this book so I'd love to hear your story. Feel free to comment! I'll let you know when I reach the good stuff!!

Inspire Learning

Let's tackle Janet's question about how to inspire learning. She has recently taken her children out of public school and sounds like everyone (including her) is burned out. In school there is so much "teaching to the test" and meeting government standards etc. that often children's love of learning is squelched.

I was in a similar situation last year at this time. I highly recommend reading materials about a Thomas Jefferson Education. Through my reading, I discovered that summer is the perfect "detox" time. It's a time to heal family relationships and rekindle our love of learning.

My veteran TJEd friend Amanda W. suggests to do nothing! There was a time when I would have shuddered at the suggestion. I used to be scared of the dreaded complaint "Mom, I'm bored!" But Amanda is right! I have since discovered that being bored creates the necessary vacuum needed for children to discover and explore. My children have come up with wonderful activities and games when left to themselves. Now when I hear "Mom, I'm bored!", my response is always the same. "That's great! I love when you're bored!! You come up with the best things to do when you're bored." And they have!

Amanda also shared with me that much of what inspires her children simply comes from following her instincts as their mother. I would love to share more about that on a later post. Stay tuned!

We also read great books together. See What We've Learned From the Classics for some ideas (more to come!). Discussions and activities natuarally flow from sharing a great book together.

Camping is another great detoxing activity. It's a great time to work together as a family and heal relationships by being present in nature. On Memorial Day weekend we (by "we" I really mean my husband and kids ; ) camped in our backyard...just for fun!

Any family work projects like caring for a garden and yard where we all work together has a healing effect as well.

The key is being together and spending quality time with your children. More and more my husband and I are realizing that our children are only with us a short time. Make use of every moment.

These are only some ideas of how to rekindle our (yes, ours too : ) love of learning and is by no means comprehensive. Please share any ideas you have done to inspire learning.

Love Languages

A good friend shared The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman with me. Wow! Basically Chapman explains that there are five basic ways we communicate love to others: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch and Quality Time. Each one of us feels most loved by at least one of these ways; Chapman calls it our primary love language. For example, my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. I feel most loved when showered with compliments and praises (feel free to leave any in the comments section ; )

We tend to (but not always) express love to others in our primary love language. This is great if everyone around us shares the same love language but if not we need to learn to speak a new language!

I am amazed at the difference knowing and speaking my husband's love language has made in a matter of days. We already have a pretty healthy, happy marriage but it has only gotten better!

Naturally I began thinking about my other loved ones, especially my children. I remember growing up often feeling like my "love tank" was on empty. I realize now that I'm older that my parents love me very much but they spoke their own love language, not mine. I explained the five love languages to my big kids separately and we discussed what their primary love language might be. I was enlightened by their comments and insights. (I haven't read it yet but there is a book specifically about children called The Five Love Languages of Children by the same author.)

I have the opportunity to identify, learn and speak my children's primary love languages. Hopefully I can help to fill their tanks to overflowing!