Unconditional Parenting, Part II

I FINALLY finished Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn and I thought I would share some of "the good stuff".

I must begin by saying I'm not sure this book makes my classics list. I really appreciate his opening my eyes that parenting is not as cut and dry as my former positive reinforcement books have led me to believe. I also appreciate his reasoning for the most part about why that isn't so. He gives very helpful general tips and guidelines on how to develop caring and lasting relationship with our children.

Something is bothering me though. I feel like his sarcastic tone somewhat undermines his objective of helping parents become unconditional. Also I'm not sure I buy into some of the analogies he uses to support his claims.

Nevertheless, I will let you decide for yourselves. Here are some golden nuggets I took away from this book:

Unconditional Parenting Guidelines

1. Be reflective. (Don't just react.)


2. Reconsider your requests.


3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals. (That is you want to raise caring, independent adults.)


4. Put the relationship first.


5. Change how you see, not just how you act. (Try to see things from a child's perspective.)


6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Talk to them the way you would like to be spoken to.)


7. Be authentic.


8. Talk less, ask more.


9. Keep their ages in mind.


10. Attribuite to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.


11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.


12. Don't be rigid.


13. Don't be in a hurry.

This one was a real eye-opener for me:

Ask yourself, What is your mood like when you are with your kids?

What to Minimize

• Limit the number of your criticisms.


• Limit the scope of each criticism. (Like "The way you spoke to your sister just now sounded unkind" instead of "You are so mean to people!")


• Limit the intensity of each criticism.


• Look for alternatives to criticism.

**Your goal is not to make them feel bad or stamp bad behavior out of exsistence. "Rather, what we want is to influence the way they think and feel, to help them become the kind of people who wouldn't want to act cruelly."

**Never hold a grudge--Be the PARENT!!

**Reassure them of your love frequently especially during conflict.

**Remind them this behavior is temporary and out of character; it doesn't reflect the child you know and love.

Hope that is helpful! I know I have had a major paradigm shift and I have really been enjoying my children. Go give yours a hug!!