Unconditional Parenting

I think I have been stunned into silence (hence my lack of posting). I have slowly been reading (along with 2 other books ; ) Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn and in short it has rocked my parental world. Previously I have been all about positive reinforcement in the form of praise and rewards. I have been known to bribe and threaten when desperate but I tried to stay on the positive side when interacting with my children. Kohn basically says that method of parenting is "conditional" and teaches my children that I only love them when they do what I want them to do.

He asks hard questions like "Are my everyday practices likely to help my children grow into the kind of people I'd like them to be?" I would like my children to be confident, self-starters who are motivated intrinsically to help and be kind to others. So are my everyday practices in line with this vision? Or will I wake up one day to this description quoted in Kohn's book by author Barabara Coloroso? She often hears parents of teenagers complain, "He was such a good kid, so well behaved, so well mannered, so well dressed. Now look at him!" To this, she replies:

"From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him, to dress; he acted the way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He's been listening to somebody else tell him what to do...He hasn't changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn't you anymore; it's his peers." (p.7)

Yuck!! If you are not convinced praising a child can cause them to feel conditionally loved I invite you to read this book. It is an eye-opener! Unfortunately I am still in the chapters where he tells me all that I'm doing wrong and I haven't gotten to Chapter 7: "Principles of Unconditional Parenting" where he will tell me what to do.

I do know he suggests helping the child identify how he or another person may feel as a result of his actions. For example, this morning instead of praising my children for the great job they did cleaning their rooms, I asked them how they felt to have a clean room. We talked about how nice it smelled, how clean it felt and how enjoyable it will be to read and sleep in there.

I know some of you have read this book so I'd love to hear your story. Feel free to comment! I'll let you know when I reach the good stuff!!